6 Steps to Turn Fear into Your Ally
Key points
Fear can be a powerful ally in personal growth, not an obstacle.
When fear is embraced without resistance; it can become your mentor.Fear has been my best advisor. But not in the way you think.
It was getting dark. We were climbing a steep hill with heavy backpacks, out of breath at 6,000 meters in the Tibetan mountains. We had to ford streams several times, and I lost my balance, stepping into icy water. The weather is always tricky—warm during the day, freezing by night.
We finally reached the small houses that were supposed to shelter pilgrims. They were in terrible condition—windows shattered, doors ripped off, and bones scattered across the floor. I asked our guide what the bones were. He said, “Leopards must have eaten a sheep here.” Leopards?
We set up camp and lit a fire. The team split: Some decided to return to town the next day, but I was planning to spend the night alone in a cave. Along the way, we had passed a cave once inhabited by a yogi. It had a second-floor wooden platform, with a ladder lined with spikes. The yogi had likely used it to ward off leopards. Most Tibetans survive on yak meat, but the dietary staple is zampa, flour mixed with black tea and milk.
I decided to stay in the cave alone that night. And that night, I learned to dance with my fear. Staying alone in the cave was terrifying, but also heart-lifting. I spent most of the night awake, meditating, listening to the sounds of animals, birds, and the river far below.
That night, I realized: you cannot resist fear. The key is to acknowledge it and not be overtaken by it.
Fear had always signaled moments when I needed to push beyond my comfort zone. But the tricky part about fear is that it often comes disguised as panic, making you feel it’s something to avoid. If you don’t learn to understand it, you risk missing out on what it can teach you about your mindset.
I often sought advice from others during such moments, only to hear them tell me to back off. Yet, every time I did what I feared, it turned out to be a pivotal decision. That’s why I call fear my best advisor.
I can recall many such moments…
When I was 16, nervous about speaking in front of an audience, I decided to speak up during a school assembly when certain values I believed in were under attack. That day, I discovered I loved public speaking—but only after embracing the cold sweat and doing what I feared.
I was scared to live in another country, but at 19, I studied abroad, despite loved ones telling me not to go.
I wanted to be a receptionist, but I became a salesperson. Despite the risks of commission-based income, my salary ended up being three to five times that of a receptionist.
I wanted to quit my job and become an entrepreneur, even with two small kids and uncertainty. It paid off, and I built a successful organizational development consultancy.
I wanted to go to Tibet and study meditation, despite chaos and the fear of dangers. Despite panic and doubt, I went, and it became one of the most transformative experiences of my life.
When I was 43, I moved my family to another country. With two small kids, it was challenging, but it brought us to a new level as individuals and as a family.
Fear has been my constant companion, often leading me to make life-changing decisions. And I’ve learned how to embrace it instead of letting it control me. Here are six steps for dancing with fear and turning it into a mentor:
1. Check in with the feeling in your body and mind.
Fear often starts with physical sensations—racing heart, difficulty breathing, cold sweats. Acknowledge it. Don’t fight it. Greet it as a visitor in your body and mind.
2. Allow the feeling to unfold.
Don’t try to push it away. If possible, lie down on a hard surface and feel how solid the ground is beneath you. Surrender to the feeling without getting lost in it. Let it pass through you.
3. Let go of resistance and judgment.
When you resist, fear intensifies. Instead of judging yourself, just accept the feeling. Give yourself a metaphorical hug and remind yourself, "It’s okay. I’m here."
4. Mindfully acknowledge the feeling without being swept away.
Fear doesn’t mean giving up. Allow it to be present just as you would allow rain to fall on your skin. Imagine your feelings and thoughts as trains at a station—they come and go. You don’t need to board every train.
5. Experience the fluidity of the feelings.
Allow fear to move through you like a dance. There’s always another movement coming. Fear’s grip may loosen the more you allow it to be felt. Sometimes, that’s all that’s needed.
6. Reflect on the message fear is trying to give you.
Ask yourself: What’s the deeper message behind this feeling? Fear can often reveal something we need to pay attention to, whether it’s growth, change, or a new direction. Welcome the insight. Be grateful for your ability to dance with fear and learn from it. As you settle back into your body and mind, express gratitude for fear’s guidance. If you have a decision to make, hold the question for a while. The right answer will come, perhaps in a few hours or the next day.
These steps are designed to help you make better decisions, especially when fear and panic try to push you off course. And remember, this is a practice. Fear doesn’t disappear overnight, but by consistently following the steps, you’ll become better at dancing with it, not against it.
Fear can be your mentor if you know how to work with it, not against it.
Leaders who learn to acknowledge fear—without letting it run the show—build trust, courage, and clarity in themselves and those they lead. The approach I've outlined—CALMER, from the initial letter of each step—isn’t just for high-altitude climbs; it’s for high-stakes meetings, hard conversations, and every moment you choose to step into the unknown.
